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How to Manage your Stress

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 16:02:10 +0100

Read Stress Cause and Effects

We are constantly bombarded with tips and advice on how to manage stress in order to live a stress free life. They range from exercise, diet, yoga, meditation to sleep and the list is endless. Whilst these may help to alleviate the symptoms they do not get to the root cause of stress.Understanding the cause of your stress is vital if you want to be able to manage it effectively.When you understand the cause you can then take action to either avoid, reduce or change the way you deal with what causes you to feel stressed. Then by incorporating a healthy lifestyle or any of the above it will compliment your management of stress.

Understanding the cause of stress can often take time especially if it is not too obvious. The causes can be external, internal or a mix of both. To understand your stress you need to be able to identify the causes and the triggers before you can decide what you need to do about it. The first thing you need to do is to start a journal. In it you need to record all the events that caused you to feel stressed, if you are not too sure just guess. Next you need to record how you felt emotionally and physically. Emotional could include wanting to scream, cry, explode with anger etc, physical could be palpitations or a pounding heart, your body tensing up, perspiring, dry mouth etc. Remember that your body feels the emotion before your thinking process kicks in so it is important to spend time getting to know how your body reacts.Once the situation starts to ease notice how you calmed or soothed yourself and how long did it take. Then after reviewing each situation ask yourself could you have done something differently that would have changed the outcome. By spending time with this exercise you will start to understand your stress and to see if the factors are external or internal.

If the stress is coming from an external source is it possible for you to isolate the cause. If you can, the next thing to ask yourself is can you avoid, stop, or reduce your contact with it. An example would be listening to the news or current affairs programme which 'makes your blood boil' every time you listen to it.

If it is a situation that you cannot avoid such as rush hour traffic, then you need to ask yourself some of the following questions; do you want to constantly feel like this, is it benefiting your health, in the bigger scheme of things is the level of

stress that you put yourself through worth it, if you have children what are you teaching them. With this example you could try and listen to some music or chat show that you enjoy or start do some breathing exercises, focusing on your breath and experiencing letting go of tension.

If it is a situation such as dealing with certain people ask yourself is there something that you can do in this situation. Are you assertive enough, do you need to voice your opinion, do you go along with the other person just for an easy life. With the situations that you cannot avoid or change, over a prolonged period of time they can trigger negative thoughts and feelings and these can play havoc with your emotional well-being. To counteract or balance this take time to look at your life, all the things that you appreciate,that feed your soul, the goodness and positives that fill your life.

If your stress is internal then you need to ask yourself the following:
Do you always take too much on ?

Do you expect a lot from yourself ?

Do you always have a list and you never get to the end of your list without having another one on the go ?

Do you find it difficult to say no to others. Is it specific people or in general ?

Do you expect only 100% from yourself ?

By becoming aware of the pressure that you put yourself under you can then start to ask yourself what do you want to do about it. Also sometimes it may be difficult to deal with the external causes because the source is internal.This may not be as easy as it seems and it can be helpful to work through some of this with a professional.

Making time for fun and relaxation in your life is equally as important as trying to work out and understand what triggers your stress. As well as nurturing it also helps unwind and recharge the batteries. There are so many ways that you can do this from walking in nature, listening to music, reading, drawing, writing, long soak in a bath, massage. Again this list is endless. Do something that you really enjoy and you will feel the benefits.

And finally a healthy lifestyle, everything in moderation, diet, sleep, alcohol consumption and exercise all help to reduce your stress.

Stress-Cause and Effects

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 17:25:07 +0100

In today's busy world stress is a familiar word on everyone's lips.It is not uncommon to hear 'I am stressed out' or 'I have been under a lot of stress recently'. Whilst we use the word frequently do we really understand the impact and meaning of the word stress. Perception, understanding and experience of stress can vary and differ from one person to the next and as a result it is difficult to define stress. Something that everyone who feels stressed has in common is the feeling of not being in control. This feeling is very distressing for a person. Not feeling in control is what stress is all about.

In order to be able to manage stress effectively it is necessary to be able to understand the body's physiological response to stress as well as the impact it has on the physical, emotional, cognitive and behavioural aspects of the self.

What is Stress- A Physiological Response

Stress is a normal and vital body response to danger,whether the danger is real or imaginary. When a person feels stressed whether preparing for an exam, presentation, jamming on the car brakes or constantly feeling stressed and under pressure the nervous system responds by releasing stress hormones. These hormones include adrenaline and cortisol. With the release of these hormones heart rate and breathing increases and become more rapid. There is a surge in energy as the liver produces more glucose in response to the release of the stress hormones and a person becomes more focused and sharper. This is known as the fight or flight response and it is where the body prepares itself to deal with the threat of danger.

Stress can be either healthy or unhealthy. Healthy stress is where the body has a fight or flight response and once the stressful situation is over the body relaxes and the body responses return to normal. This type of stress is necessary if a person is in danger or when a person needs to be motivated and driven to achieve a particular goal.

Unhealthy or chronic stress is when the body is in a constant state of fight or flight. This can have long term consequences and it impacts physically, emotionally, behaviourally and cognitively. Below are just some examples of the symptoms.

Physical Impact of Stress

Tension Headaches/Migraines
Dizziness/Light Headedness
Palpitations/Chest Pain
Stress can cause rapid breathing or holding ones breath which can in turn lead to panic attacks
Diarrhea/Constipation
Sweating
Interrupted Sleep
Aches and Pains
Muscle Spasm
Loss of sex drive
In men who suffer from chronic stress the excess cortisol produced can affect the reproductive system
In women it can cause painful, absent or irregular periods or they may have difficulty in becoming pregnant.

Cognitive Impact of Stress

Forgetfulness
Poor Memory
Poor Concentration
Irritability
Anger
Increased Frustration/Edginess
Indecisivness
Constant Worrying
Mind busy, racing with everything and anything
Feeling Distracted

Emotional Impact of Stress

Anxiety
Moodiness
Depression
Preoccupied with Negative Thoughts
Inability to Relax
Feeling Isolated/Alone/No one understands
Feeling Overwhelmed/Everything is too Much

Behavioural Impact of Stress

Overeating/Loss of Appetite/No Time to Eat
Increased Smoking
Increased use or Dependence on Alcohol/Drugs/Gambling
Nail Biting

Factors That Influence Stress

Stress can be either internal or external.

Internal is where a person has high standards for themselves and often of everyone else. These standards can be unrealistic and cause the person to feel constantly stressed and under pressure.

Perfectionism- where only 100% will do.

When a person needs to be in control of everything, does not like uncertainty and has a need to understand everything.

Where a person has an active critical part.

Where a person's attitude and view of life is negative and pessimistic

External Factors include the following:

Relationship Difficulties/Divorce

Financial Difficulties

Work Pressure

Punishment

Bereavement

Being a Caregiver

Always On the Go

How To Deal With Stress

How a person deals with and responds to stress is very individual.Men and women tend to react to stress differently. Women tend to seek out support and are more willing to talk about their problems whereas men tend to keep it to themselves.

In my next blog I will be look at stress management.

The Inner Critic- Part 2 . A Major Component of Depression and Anxiety

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 12:07:02 +0100

READ THE INNER CRITIC - PART 1

How to deal with your Inner Critic

You may read or hear that you need to fight against your inner critic in order to gain control of it, but you don’t. In fact it is the last thing that you need to do because fighting against it will only make it stronger Initially it will work and silence the inner critic but as the inner critic is powerful in the dark (not in one’s conscious awareness), it will either spill out unknown to you or it will come back much stronger than before.

The inner critic is like the judge, jury and jailer all in one, so it can be quiet a powerful force. Rather than fight it you need to get to know it, to befriend it, in order not to be a prisoner to it. Whilst you may feel that the critical part is your enemy, it is not in so far as it feels that it is protecting you. It feels that it is protecting you from feelings such as hurt, rejection, humiliation etc. It wants what is best for you, it wants you to be loved and accepted, to be the best that you can and yet the impact of it can have the opposite effect. It is a young part, an ‘immature part’ that has not developed emotionally, it is stuck at a young age, it thinks and acts like a child and over time it becomes stronger and more distorted.

How to get to know your Inner Critic or Critical Part

The inner critic is complex and convoluted and working on it alone can be very difficult. If it is strong and harsh it is advisable to see a professional who has an in-depth knowledge of it in order to work effectively on it together.

The following are some tools that may help with awareness but if you find that it is becoming uncontrollable then you should seek professional help. Observe your language. Do you use phrases such as “I should”, “I ought to”, “I need to”, “I have to”? If you do, then more than likely you have a strong inner critic. What are the situations that trigger your inner critic? Is it when you are about to make positive changes in your life such as losing weight, going for a promotion, standing up for yourself, trying to do a good job etc. or is it when you start to feel anxious or your mood starts slipping. Is it when you are faced with a new situation, meeting new people, meeting people in authority or power, or is it when you make a mistake, the list is endless. Or is it when you are in situations that you feel vulnerable or unsure of ? Is it when you feel hurt or upset by someone or something or when you feel sad?

How do you hear your inner critic, is it thoughts that filter into your conscious awareness, is it a voice? Is it your voice or someone else’s? Does it remind you of someone that you know? Is the tone of the inner critic harsh and unrelenting? Is it mean and nasty, is it bullying, does it sound like a Sergeant - Major or is does it sound like a friend wanting what’s best for you?Keeping a diary or a journal of the thoughts and messages of The Inner Critic may help. This will help you to get to know the inner critic and to help with separating it. If you find that it becomes too strong then it is important to leave it or to seek help with it.

Observing your body when you feel your critical part is active. For example do you tense up, feel a knot in your stomach, tingling down your arms into your hands, or feel a constriction in your throat or your chest? Try and observe and get to know these feelings. When do you experience the feelings, is it before you hear the dialogue of the inner critic?

Compassion. The Inner Critic is usually fearful, it is afraid of losing control. Remember that this is a young part that is stuck at a young age. Standing back and feeling compassion for this fearful part will help you get to know it. It won’t feel as threatened by you and go into hiding or become stronger which is what happens when you fight against it.

It is important to become aware of how active and vocal it is. Is it there constantly or are there specific events or situations that trigger it? With this process of separation you know what you are working with. The Inner Critic does not like the light shining on it or becoming the focus of attention because then it feels threatened and fears annihilation.
Awareness and observation are hugely important in getting to know and being able to separate out the critical part. Once you separate out from it you can begin to see that it is a part of you and it is not all of you. This will then help to lessen the power and control that it has.

It can be very difficult to work alone on the inner critic. The process takes time and patience and it can be slow work but well worth it in the end. Just remember that it has been there for a long time and it feels that it has a purpose so it deserves respect.

© Copyright 2012 Anne-Marie Hearne

The Inner Critic-A Major Component of Depression and Anxiety

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 09:57:18 +0100

The Inner Critic –A Major Component of Depression and Anxiety

The Inner Critic is a major component in depression, eating disorders, anxiety, self-harm, low confidence, low self-esteem etc. and yet it is not really talked about to any great extent. Everyone has an inner critic. For some it is extremely harsh, judgemental and critical and it is so ingrained that it feels like second nature. It can be a real obstacle in feeling good about oneself and one’s achievements or in achieving one’s goals/true potential. Some people may even be unaware that they have a critical part.

Here are some examples of a critical part in action:

• Never feeling good enough either as a person in what one does or how one looks.

• A person may be very successful in their job but deep down they feel a fraud and they fear being found out, which in turn causes them anxiety.

• Constantly feeling guilty and bad over what one said or did /didn’t say or do. It can monitor all interactions.

• Constantly undermining oneself and often others, seeing the negatives and faults in what one does and what others do.

• Image is very important and it feels important to be seen in a positive light by others.

• Perfectionism - needing to have and do everything to a high standard.

• Constant comparisons to others, never feeling good enough, there is always something wrong with how situations are dealt with. Seeing oneself as lacking in skills, not strong enough, or as weak- the list is endless.

• Never wanting to rock the boat/upset anyone for fear of what they may think. Adopting the chameleon approach.

The critical part develops at a young age. There are several factors that contribute to the development of the critical part and they include parents who may be critical either overtly or covertly, emotionally unavailable, who have high expectations or may not give a lot of affirmations or reassurance to the child. Children who have a predisposition to depression tend to internalise and exaggerate the expectations of parents. It can also originate or be compounded if there has been a history of sexual, physical or emotional abuse or indeed bullying. Figures of authority such as teachers, religious etc. and peers also play a part and they often think that they are helping or being constructive with their comments while, in fact, they are not. Again some children may exaggerate the expectations. The age that a person becomes aware of their critical part varies from always knowing that it was there, to late teenage years. Often it is when a person begins therapy that they start to become consciously aware of it.

Manifestation

The critical part can be heard as a voice or simply as thoughts. It can be subtle, and can sound very rational and normal or it can be harsh and unrelenting. The impact of it can range from a person just not feeling good about themselves, constantly striving and achieving goals and having high expectations to depression, self-harm, binging, anorexia or body dysmorphic disorder. The critical part plays an active role in the above especially when a more constructive coping part is absent. It can have a person constantly questioning themselves, looking for answers to questions that there are no answers to at that present time but expecting themselves to know and have these answers. It can tell them how they should think, act, feel, behave etc. or the way that they are behaving is not good enough.

The list is endless. When the person cannot come up with the ‘right answer’ the inner critic can tell them that they are worthless, a waste of space, and it constantly points out that all the things that the person is doing are wrong and, in severe cases, hurls abuse at them. All of this causes a person to withdraw, feel more isolated and, in turn, feel more depressed. Anxiety can be part of this depression. When the critical part is extremely strong it is abusive, bullying and /or undermining. It is at this point that a person may self-harm, binge/starve themselves.

Worthless, failure, rejection, abandonment, feeling unlovable, these are just some of the main themes of the critical part. When a person does not do what the critical part requires of them, this then gives the critical part free reign to do what it does best, criticise, berate and undermine.

The good news is that there are ways of dealing with the inner critic and these will be explored in my next blog.

Bullying in the Workplace

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:38:51 +0100

Bullying in the Workplace

We often hear about bullying in the schoolyard and as a result can associate bullying as being a problem for children. However bullying in the workplace is also very common and is perhaps not recognised or reported to the extent that it should be. Bullying crosses all divides. Bullying can be hierarchical, peer or upwards. In the U.K. the national Workplace Bullying Advice Line and Bully on Line reported that 75% of bullying cases involved individuals being bullied by their managers and around a quarter of cases where an individual is bullied by peers. In this situation managers are often aware of what is going on but do not take any action and 1-2% of cases involve a manager being bullied by a subordinate. Bullying can be carried out by an individual, a pair or a group. More women tend to be bullied than men. In an ESRI (Economic Social Research Institute) Report in 2007 it showed that women were 10.7% more at risk than men . Also, a survey carried out in 2010 by the Institute of Bullying in the US showed 58% of women were targets whilst men were at 42%. This survey showed that the figures went up for women targeting other women from the previous survey carried out in 2007.

“Bullying in the workplace is repeated aggression, verbal, psychological or physical, conducted by an individual or group against another person or persons. Bullying is where aggression or cruelty, viciousness, intimidation or a need to humiliate dominates the relationship. Isolated incidents of aggressive behaviour, while to be condemned, should not be described as bullying. In the workplace environment there can be conflicts and interpersonal difficulties. Many of these are legitimate industrial relations difficulties which should be dealt with through the appropriate industrial relations channels. Only aggressive behaviour which is systematic and ongoing should be regarded as bullying.” (The Health and Safety Authority)

In the workplace there are several types of bullying and they are:

Corporate Bullying: This is where employers take advantage of employees knowing that jobs are scarce. They often;

Expect employees to work longer hours than they are paid for.

Are dismissive of anyone suffering from stress whilst ignoring the causes.

Regularly snoop on employees by listening to phone conversations, use mystery shoppers, and contact clients/customers behind employees backs asking leading questions.

Client Bullying: This is where an employee is bullied by the people they work for, e.g. teachers can be bullied by students/parents. A recent online survey by the teachers union NASUWT (UK) showed more than two thirds of the 3,000 teachers polled experienced or witnessed workplace bullying in the past 12 months. Nurses can be bullied by patients/relatives, social workers by clients. In shops, banks etc employees can be bullied by customers.

Institutional Bullying: This is where bullying is so entrenched in an organisation that it is the norm. Some examples of this type of bullying are as follows:

Long-existing contracts are replaced with new short-term contracts on less favourable terms with the accompanying threat of "agree to this or else".

People are moved, roles and/or schedules are changed, workloads are increased, and job progression is made more difficult or can be blocked.

All of the above happens without consultation.

Cyber Bullying: This is bullying by text or e-mail.

Organisational Bullying is a combination of pressure bullying and corporate bullying. Pressure bullying happens in a stressful situation where a person loses their temper, shouts, is irritable. When the situation calms down the person’s behaviour returns to normal. During this time they become aware of their behaviour, may apologise and do not repeat this behaviour.

Serial Bullying: This is where a bully picks on one person after another.

Secondary Bullying:This is where people unwittingly bully and it usually happens where there is a serial bully in the workplace.

Bullying is often difficult to see especially when a person looks at the incidents individually as they can seem small, insignificant and out of context. The following are some examples of what makes up bullying. This list is not inclusive.

• Nit picking, criticism under the guise of constructive criticism.

• Denied information /knowledge that is necessary to undertake work or to achieve objectives.

• Being subjected to offensive bad language, ridicule, being shouted at.

• Constant undermining especially in front of others.

• Withholding information.

• Aggressive/obscene language.

• Blamed for problems caused by others.

• Always given too much to do, so that you regularly fail in your work.

• Regularly threatened with dismissal.

• Unfairly passed over for promotion or denied training opportunities.

• Repeated requests with impossible deadline or impossible tasks.

• Being belittled or demeaned in front of others.

• Social isolation /exclusion.

• Goal posts constantly shifting with work.

• Nothing is ever good enough.

• Work is been constantly corrected.

• Being overloaded with work or work being taken away and being given menial tasks or no work at all.

• Work increased but no authority.

• Forced to work long hours, often without remuneration and under threat of dismissal

• Find requests for leave have unacceptable and unnecessary conditions attached, sometimes overturning previous approval, especially if the person has taken action to address bullying in the meantime

• Denied annual leave, sickness leave, or especially compassionate leave

• When on leave, are harassed by calls at home or on holiday, often at unsocial hours.

Effects of Bullying

Bullying can have a serious impact on a person’s physical and emotional health. Some of the symptoms are as follows:

Work performance deteriorates.

Poor concentration, forgetfulness.

Disempowerment.

Tearfulness, irritability, angry outbursts, hyper vigilant.

Dread going into work.

Self-worth, self-esteem and confidence takes a nose dive with a person constantly feeling unsure of themselves and questioning and doubting themselves and their performance.

Feelings of anxiety and stress.

Fear, shame guilt.

Depression.

Panic Attacks.

Difficulties with sleep.

Fatigue.

Stress related illnesses and headaches.

Can lead to suicide.

Bullying is a form of abuse. It can have a devastating effect on a person’s emotional and physical health and it happens to some extent in all organisations. More often than not a person will either put up with the bullying or tend to leave. In a lot of cases where a person makes a complaint or tries to do something about it, it is not dealt with in a proper and comprehensive manner even though there are company policies in place to deal with this specifically. Whilst the above is only a brief overview, if you think that you are being bullied in your workplace my advice would be to educate yourself on what bullying is all about. This information helps to empower you and you can then make real choices as to what is best for you.
© Copyright 2012 Anne-Marie Hearne

Work Stress and the Recession

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:44:37 +0100

Work Stress and the Recession

Stress in the work place is not a new phenomenon. There has always been stress arising from, for example, meeting deadlines, people conflict and demanding bosses but since the recession, surveys carried out in Ireland and research from the U.K. and U.S.A. show that there has been a significant rise in stress in the workplace. The main factor contributing to this stress is fear. Fear for one’s job which in turn causes feelings of insecurity and vulnerability which in turn causes stress and anxiety. Other major factors are a decrease in salary and an increase in workload as employers cut costs and / or staff numbers. If there is poor communication between management and staff stress levels may increase as staff will not be fully aware of what is happening within the company. This fear of the unknown can lead to increased levels of stress and anxiety as the feeling of control is gone. Lack of control, be it conscious or subconscious, can feed fear and anxiety. Also, fear of saying “no” or “enough” to the boss or discussing the pressure experienced from increased work load can also lead to stress. This in turn can cause worry, fatigue and stress related symptoms to build up which can have a detrimental effect one’s health in general.

In 2011 two Irish Health Care Providers published the following results from research carried out:

VHI Corporate Solutions saw a ‘stark increase’ in the first quarter of 2011 compared to the same period the previous year, as follows:

• 110% increase in employees with emotional health issues

• 204% increase in queries regarding bullying and harassment.

Quinn Health Care showed:

• Irish working women are being hit hard by the recession with 78% struggling to balance the needs of work and family commitments (95% are in the 45-54 age group),

• Some 65% of working women in Ireland feel their stress levels have increased because of work demands since the start of the recession, but half that figure hesitate to ask their boss for support.

Long term stress is known to impact on both physical and emotional health. Work stress is not only confined to the work place, it can spill over into a person’s personal life and relationships. People respond differently to stress and have different coping mechanisms. For some it may be absenteeism especially if they have a certain amount of uncertified sick days. For others it may be working longer hours, working through lunch breaks, going in early and reluctant to go home on time. They feel stressed and are afraid to take sick leave which in turn increases their stress. For others trying to cope with stress it may be increased consumption of food or alcohol or it may even be substance abuse. Some studies have reported an 18% rise in smoking and consumption of alcohol during times of stress and 9% rise in food consumption.

In 2009, Mind, a UK based mental health charity carried out a survey of 2,050 people looking at the impact of the recession on employees’ mental health and it found that:

Half of the participants reported low morale

1 in 10 had visited their G.P. with work related stress

7% had started antidepressants

5% had seen a counsellor

28% were working longer hours

One third were having to compete against each other

Other factors that can influence work placed stress is poor communication from management. If a manager within an organisation or, indeed, the organisation in general has poor communication skills this can reinforce existing fears and increase tension and stress that employees may be experiencing due to uncertainty and the unknown. Research published in February of this year and carried out by the University of Nottingham, the University of Ulster and the Northern Ireland Civil Service showed that work-related stress has “soared” by 40% and absentee rates by 25% during the recession. It involved over 17,000 civil servants in Northern Ireland and was carried out over a four year period between 2005 and 2009(before and during the recession) The study’s lead author Jonathan Houdmont emphasised the importance of good communication from management. He said “national economic crises can have substantial implications for workers' health and organisational performance”, adding: "The findings suggest that those businesses which seek to reduce work-related stress during austere economic times are likely to experience lower staff absence and greater productivity."

Another down side to working closely with people who are showing signs of stress is that stress can also be contagious. Researchers from the University of Hawaii discovered that stress and anxiety levels can be passed onto each other in the work place - and it spreads just as quickly as a virus. The study suggests that our brains act like sponges and subconsciously soak up emotions, behavioural traits and facial expressions emitted from our co-workers.

Some of the physical and emotional symptoms of stress may be:

Moodiness/Irritability

Worry

Withdrawal/isolation

Zoning out for hours on end in front of TV, laptop/games

Overeating/under eating

Lack of concentration

Fatigue

Over working

Requiring constant reassurance

Increased pessimism

Intolerance/Impatience

Prolonged stress can lead to an increase in negative thoughts

Sleeping difficulties - difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep

Lack of interest in sex

Here are some things that you can do to help cope with stress:

First of all check your breathing. Is your breath flowing? If not here is a simple breathing exercise that needs to be practiced several times a day. Inhale, take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds and then gently exhale, imagining/visualising/feeling that you are releasing all the tension in your body.

Keeping a journal. Write down all the things that are worrying you. Then separate them into worries that are within your control and things that you can do something about to worries that are out of your control. With the latter it may help to re-frame them.For example, If stuck in a queue or traffic rather than getting stressed out about something that you cannot change use to time to check in with yourself to see how and where you are in yourself.Take the opportunity to practice some breathing exercises. If in the car listen to some music or radio show that will help you relax.

If radio/TV, newspapers feed your worry and anxiety avoid them, change the channel to something more relaxing.

Gratitude- being grateful for all the positive things in your life no matter how small. Make a conscious effort to do this throughout the day.

Exercise - making a point of exercising on most days and doing something that you enjoy. It may be difficult to do but it is important to persevere with this.

Ask questions - checking things out can stop your fears feeding your anxiety.

Connect with people – do not isolate yourself.

GP – visit your GP if the pressure is getting too much.

It may be helpful to talk to a professional to help give you clarity and to understand your fears e.g. a Therapist

Valentine's Day: Does it Stress You Out?

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 13:25:09 +0100

Valentine’s Day: Does It Stress You Out ?

Since the middle ages Valentine’s Day has been associated with love and romance, a day of expressing your love to the loved one in your life. As time has gone on it has become more and more commercialised with the emphasis on cards, flowers, gifts, eating out or the perfect food to create the perfect meal at home. The unspoken message that is being communicated is that if the above criteria are fulfilled it will be a perfect day because there is proof of love. As a result it puts a lot of couples under pressure. The message being conveyed is that this is how a relationship is defined.

In order to celebrate Valentine’s Day successfully we are told that we need to have some or all of the following:

A Valentine Card - that has the perfect verse for your loved one.

Flowers - especially roses are supposedly the ultimate expression of love.

Gifts - there is such an array of gifts manufactured especially for Valentine’s Day, or it is the perfect day to get engaged!

Dining out - usually there are several sittings on the night so you have a specified length of time to eat. Restaurants are usually overcrowded and full of couples celebrating Valentine’s Day.

Here is what you can do:

Why not discuss what you both want for Valentine’s Day, how you would both like to celebrate it and then compromise if need be. Whilst some would argue that this takes the romance out of the day, it also takes the pressure off. It can be a day to look forward to and know what to plan for. It can reduce the stress and unrealistic expectations and the disappointment that often ensues. You may come up with something alternative but something that you both want to do and want to do together. It might also be an idea to decide and discuss if you want a lavish affair or something more simple that is, perhaps, within both of your budgets.

If you are going to exchange cards do they have to be ‘bought’ cards. If a card is made with love it can have more meaning as time and care went into its creation. It is also original. Then again, it doesn’t even have to be a card; it could be a poem that romantically expresses how you feel about your partner or even a good old fashioned love letter.

Do you have to buy flowers or a gift? Again it is not about how much is spent that determines whether or not Valentine’s Day is a success. It’s about the thought and effort that goes into the gift or flowers. A gift can be a token gift; it can be doing something for your partner that they hate doing; it can be combining budgets and doing something that you both enjoy doing together. If you have children it can be something as simple as giving each other time on your own without any interruptions from phone calls etc.

Do you want to go out for a meal? It is ok not to want to go out on the night. If you decide to eat in, it has to be because you both want to and whoever is doing the cooking is not under pressure to cook, or that the meal has to be the perfect meal. It can be an ordinary everyday affair prepared with love and time to sit, relax, talk and enjoy the food and each other’s company.

If none of the above happens it does not mean that it defines your relationship. Remember your relationship is more than one day, 14th February. It goes on 365 days a year. If your partner does not like or believe in Valentine’s Day, take an overview and see that there is much more to your relationship than one day. Your partner may have outstanding qualities that are invaluable to you.

For those not in a relationship Valentine’s Day can still be celebrated. It can be about sharing it with a friend, family, or someone whom you care about. Showing them how much you care and how much they mean to you. It can be about stepping outside the box and you may be surprised with what you come up with. In Finland and Estonia Valentine's Day is known as "Friend's Day". This day is more about remembering all your friends as well as your loved ones, a fine sentiment indeed.

Redundancy and it's Emotional Impact

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:27:10 +0100

Redundancy and it's Emotional Impact

In today’s economic climate redundancy is an all too familiar word that we constantly read or hear about. Daily we hear of job losses, downsizing or closures and more often than not we know someone who has been directly affected.

Redundancy is one of the most stressful events that a person can experience in their life. It’s there next to death, divorce, moving house, illness etc. One survey of British workers even rated redundancy as a more stressful life event than divorce or moving house.

Being made redundant is a very stressful event for the majority of people. It impacts both on the person’s life as they know it as well as on a psychological level. Redundancy is known to have an effect on a person’s confidence and self-esteem. They may experience difficulty adjusting to a situation that they did not ask for and it can have a more severe effect on a person’s mental health such as depression.

The impact that redundancy has on a person has been compared to the emotions experienced during bereavement. If you have been made redundant or know someone who has, it is important to be aware of the emotional impact that it can have and to know that some of the emotions experienced are normal and part of the process. By having this awareness it will help you to manage your feelings better. How a person deals with and manages feelings differ from person to person.

Some of the more common feelings experienced resulting from redundancy are as follows and these can occur at any stage of the process;

Shock - This is an acute stress reaction which is experienced when extraordinary events shatter our sense of security. It is the mind's and body's response to feelings (both perceived and real) of intense helplessness. How a person deals with shock is very subjective. One can feel numb / dead inside, become very rational etc. All one can do at this stage is to go with it. The feeling will subside when one is ready to deal with the news.

Disbelief - a person can’t quite believe that this is really happening to them. They may find it difficult to process the information that they are being given. They may question “why has this happened to me”, or they may try bargaining, “if I do this…..” It has been shown that it is easier to deal with redundancy if there is mass redundancy rather than it just being one person.

Anger - This is a common reaction. The person may blame their boss and the anger may be directed at management or in some cases can be directed at themselves. People who are high achievers are known to blame themselves and to direct their anger at themselves for not working hard enough or for not seeing it coming. It can be any number of reasons but they will always find a reason to blame themselves and in return be angry with themselves. It is important to be able to express this anger in a constructive and rational way and to feel understood or to have someone there to listen and be supportive in order to help the process that one is going through.

Loss - This is a major factor with redundancy. For people whose job is very important to them they may experience a loss of identity, who are they now when they don’t have a job to go to? This can be very difficult for a person to come to terms with. This tends to be the case for men more so than women, especially if they are the breadwinners and high achievers. There is also the loss of routine, the routines and rituals associated with work are no longer there and as this is a transitional space it can take some time to adapt to the lack of routine. There is the loss of camaraderie, loss of income and of status. This can trigger a loss of control which can feed into a person’s self-esteem.

The length of time it takes to go through these emotions varies from person to person but for most people having gone through these emotions they are ready to move on and accept the situation. For others they find it difficult to recover and maybe struggle with the feeling of rejection, self–esteem issues, confidence and self-worth and as a result may experience depression which, in turn, may lead to suicidal thoughts. The knock-on effect or secondary stressors of redundancy can also impact on a person’s mental health. Some of the factors include fear for the future, financial insecurity or a strain on relationships. These can also be triggers for depression. It is really important to be aware if negative thoughts and emotions are taking hold or if a person is blaming themselves and see this as personal failure. This can manifest itself in not wanting to go out because the feeling is that there is a stigma attached to being unemployed or there may be a feeling of embarrassment or shame. A person may also withdraw from their partner and family. They may find themselves drinking /gambling/using drugs more than usual. This is where a person needs to seek professional help.

No matter how bad a person feels at the time they will get over it. It is also about being patient because it takes time to ‘work through this loss’. Some people feel that it was the best thing that ever happened to them as it gives them the opportunity to perhaps take a different career path, travel, go back to education, become a stay-at-home parent or simply connect more with their family. Perhaps it was an opportunity to leave a stressful job, a job that the person felt obliged to stay in because it paid the bills and get a certain standard of living. A less stressful job may open up new possibilities of more free time, spending more time with family, or just being able to be more present. After working through the whole process a host of opportunities can open up and there may be the realisation that you are more than your job. There is life after redundancy.

The Simplicity ofChristmas

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 16:27:19 +0100

It’s that time of year again, it’s Christmas. It brings up a mixed range of emotions from ‘can’t wait for it’ to dread, pressure,stress, to ‘wishing it was over’. There is so much commercialism and consumerism that it is very easy to get caught up in the pressure and panic to have that perfect Christmas.

There is the underlying message that Christmas is the perfect time of year, it is about the perfect family, the perfect gift, the perfect meal, the perfect holiday, etc. It is so difficult not to buy into some or all of this. If Christmas was to be stripped bare what would we be left with? That would be an interesting challenge! Christmas is about celebrating the beginning of new life, it is the end of the darkest and shortest day of the year and it is about renewal, growth, sharing, giving and receiving. It can also be about connecting with friends and family, forgiveness and letting bygones be bygones.It is simply a celebration of life. It is a very basic and simple message but one that gets lost in the hype of expectation and consumerism.

Perhaps it’s time to reacquaint ourselves with the simplicity of Christmas. This can bring us joy, a sense of connection and fulfillment which is there waiting for us to really experience it. There is beauty in simplicity.

Anger

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:47:03 +0100

Anger is a normal emotion. It is a very powerful emotion and when used constructively can have a very positive impact. It is a primary emotion and its purpose is to protect us against perceived threat in that something or somebody who can harm us or take something away from us. It can be seen as a barometer that tells us something does not feel right for us such as an injustice, an abuse of power, manipulation etc. and that we need to do something about it. Anger can range from feelings of mild irritation to intense feelings of rage. It is the physiological symptoms that can intensify the feeling as the anger sends a signal to the body to prepare itself to defend or render the perceived threat ineffective.

Anger can become a problem when a person does not understand the reason for their anger and they continuously act out of the feeling. They find themselves regularly feeling angry, agitated, impatient, sarcastic, nasty, and/or resentful to name a few of the expressions of this anger. They can also be passive aggressive (unable to express their anger with a person but they will get you back) abusive and even aggressive. The impact that this can have on the person is that they may be preoccupied with angry thoughts, not feeling happy or content with themselves, they can experience problems with relationships and may feel isolated or alone.

So what is going on when a person is easily angered and displays the above symptoms? On a subconscious level no matter how bad the behaviour is the person has to get something out of it even though they think and feel that they are not. When this anger is unravelled, at its core are feelings of worthlessness, disrespect, not feeling valued, unimportance, rejection, not feeling good enough, feeling ignored, unloved, or powerless. So, when a person experiences any of these feelings, anger jumps in almost like a reflex action and its purpose is to protect the person from experiencing the core feeling. The impact of this is that the person feels better about themselves because the anger eases or sooths the core feeling. This can then be rationalised by blaming someone else, it is their partner’s fault, the boss or the person in the supermarket or the driver that pulls out in front of them. It is always somebody else’s fault. When a person gets caught in this cycle it is often difficult for them to be aware that there is a problem and it needs to be addressed.

Whilst learning to step back when confronted with angry situations, deep breathing, mindfulness, exercise, etc are helpful but it does not get to the root cause of the anger, it merely distracts, it has a band aid effect and helps to manage the immediate situation.

If a person wants to get to the root cause of their anger, understand and effectively learn to manage their anger, therapy is where you can explore this, and it is a safe place to do this. With awareness and insight it helps to get to the root cause. This in turn helps the person to recognise situations where these feelings can trigger the anger and it in turn gives real choice and control in how to act and react in certain situations. Otherwise when this anger is carried throughout a person’s life it does not allow a person to open their hearts to others or to truly give and to receive love and acceptance from others.